More from the Author-ese Translator

(Reposted from the Midwestern Writer Wannabe blog)

This is a lot more fun than actually getting accepted, by the way...

The original text (edited for privacy) appears, followed by the translated version in double parentheses...


"Dear Author:"
((Forgive us, but our automated response software isn't capable of pulling your name out of your query, so.........))

"Thank you so much for sending [us] your query."

((We really need to find a way to get our agency off those lists out there. Any schmuck off the street can find us.))
"We’d like to apologize in advance for this standard rejection letter."
((It's your own fault for querying us in the first place.))
"The volume of queries as of late has been too overwhelming to personalize our response anymore."
((Man, we LOVE this automated response software. It picks keywords out of your e-mail query, and instantly does most of the guesswork in sweeping slush out of our files. Every agency should have this stuff. Oh, who are we kidding? They already do.))
"Rest assured, we do read every query letter carefully and although your work sounds intriguing, we’re sorry to say that we don't believe we are the right agency for you."
((We almost got that out with a straight face. Read your work? Where in the world would we find the time?))
"You deserve an enthusiastic representative, so we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one "yes" and with so many different opinions out there, you could easily find the right match."
((If there's anyone out there who will take on your manuscript, then you've got to be the luckiest bastard on Earth. But odds are, you'd really be wasting your time in continuing to propagate this garbage. But thanks for taking up our bandwidth anyway.
Did we mention that "space pirate" is one of those sequences of keywords that gets instantly tagged by our slushkiller software))

[No, you're not seeing things...that IS word-for-word from the last rejection letter. The Translator(TM) does not lie.]
"Good luck with all your publishing endeavors."
((You're going to need it.))